A Funny Thing Happened on the Way to the Fireside

Yesterday the Institute choir had what they called a "friends and family fireside", which I am pretty sure means "one which we want to have early in the year to get our first-performance jitters out of the way so we will invite people we know well because they will still like us if we are a bit rough around the edges". Or something. My sister is in her second year of singing with this group and had to be there early to rehearse, and I came along.

So I'm sitting there in the chapel, trying to make some headway on a (ridiculously ambitious and probably needing some rethinking) scripture-reading program, when the director says my name. He knows me well because I sang in this choir myself for four years, and he wants me to go listen to this duet to make sure it's okay for the program. I say okay sure, and off we go down the hall. (Meanwhile reassuring the girls, whose names I do not know, that I am both a very kind person and a very musical one, so they need not worry about my judgment in either sense.)

The three of us arrive at the Primary room, where we find a boy I do not know, who appears to be girl-I-do-not-know-#1's boyfriend, and a woman I do not know, who (it turns out) is girl-I-do-not-know-#2's mother. I explain what I am doing there and sit down to listen, and MIDNK asks me if by any chance I play the piano. I tell her that as a matter of fact I do, although I have never played this particular song ("For Good" from the musical "Wicked".) She starts playing, they sing, and it's fine, and I tell them so. Then MIDNK asks if perhaps I would like to try playing the song for them, as she is not entirely comfortable with accompanying them in public. I say okay sure again, and we go through it once. It is a trifle awkward, since the song is a little unpredictable and has two key changes. When we get through, they talk about it some and tell me if I am okay with it, they are okay with having me play for them. So GsIDNK take BIDNK and MIDNK and leave me to go through the song a few times.

I join the choir in the Relief Society room about half an hour later, in time to hear their before-performance devotional and prayer. While the prayer is going on, I am thinking to myself, "Please let me play this as well as possible." Playing the piano in public still makes me nervous, and my hands tend to shake, so I added, "Please steady my hands and prevent me from screwing this up." Then we go into the chapel, and the program commences. (And for the record, it was a little rough in places, but boy, when they get past that, they are REALLY something.) The duet is toward the end of the program, and as I am playing, I notice a rather odd phenomenon. I am nervous, and I can't hear GsIDNK very well (by which I mean really at all), so that is making me more nervous, and I can feel myself shaking...but only in my arms, not in my hands. They blithely go about their business without seeming to notice the state the rest of me is in.

Over the past several years, I have spent some time thinking about prayers. I know that we are supposed to ask for what we want, and I know that sometimes we get it and sometimes we don't. I also know that sometimes getting what we want turns out poorly, and not getting it turns out to be a blessing. I have had prayers answered with "Yes", "Yes, but not now", "No", and occasionally with silence, which I interpret as meaning I need to think about what I'm asking for some more. But I don't know that I have ever had a prayer answered quite so...specifically. What I asked for was to play as well as possible, to have my hands steadied and to not screw up the performance. And what I got was EXACTLY that.

This is what I learned anew from last night's experience: God is real. He hears and answers prayers. And (I am pretty sure, anyway) He has a terrific sense of humor.

"What's the matter with these scissors?"

(Today's post title is in honor of my sister, who had a bad day today; it's a favorite of hers.)

The setup for this metaphor is a bit convoluted-bear with me.

I am currently sharing a bedroom with my youngest sister, and she likes to have movies on while she goes to sleep. I can sometimes sleep with the TV on, but not always. So tonight I was awake when the movie got over and I was trying to turn things off with the remotes. And no matter how many times I pressed "stop", the darn thing just kept playing.

Now keep in mind it had been a long day, it was dark and I am (as previously mentioned) horrifically nearsighted. Also be aware that on this particular remote control, the "stop" and "play" buttons are the same shape and size. So it took me perhaps thirty seconds to check my remote orientation and realize I was holding it upside down; the entire time I thought I was pressing "stop", I was in fact pressing "play".

(That's IT for the setup, promise; on to the actual metaphor now. Still with me? Good.) Here is the point: how many things in my life am I trying to do by pressing the wrong button? And how many wrong buttons am I pushing because I am unaware that I am holding the remote upside down?

I don't wish to whine, so I will just say my life hasn't exactly turned out the way I thought it would. I spend a lot of time thinking about this-where did I go wrong, what do I need to change, is this some kind of test, if so is there EVER any end to it so I can just get the blasted grade and have done with it already, etc. The last six months have been especially question-filled, as I 1) went through the Titanic of relationship-endings, 2) lost my job, and 3) at the age of almost-thirty, moved back to my home state and in with my parents.

Not to say that any of this has been bad for me. That guy turned out to be either a complete moron or an unbelievable jerk or some combination of the two (the jury's still out on that); I found a job I love, rather than one I thought I should; and living with my parents has been actually really great, so what could have been unbearably traumatic turned out for the best-as things usually do. But I still can't see, as Anne Shirley would say, past the bend in the road. And so I wonder if maybe there are things that I am doing facing the wrong direction, or if the method I am using is the wrong one.

I am trying, as I said a few days ago, not to dwell on the past. It is what it is and no amount of wishing or regret will make it any different. But what about the future? Is there something I can make different by changing something I am not seeing? And how can I find what I can't see if I don't know where to look?

"Look what I can do!"

Sometimes when you start a new group experience (a class, a committee, a...anything else that could possibly start with C that I can't think of in this moment), the person in charge will have you introduce yourself. And usually it's with just a few pieces of information. For instance, in a college class, you might be asked to say your name, where you're from, and your major. Almost inevitably, you will also be asked to share either A) your most embarrassing moment or 2) something unusual about you.

Frankly, I hate these experiences. I have no problem sharing my name or where I'm from or any information like that, but embarrassing moments and unusual things are hard for me, because I never have any. I don't get embarrassed easily and I'm really quite boring, so I never know what to say. Also, for all my verbal ability, it's the first thing to go under stress, and being the center of attention is always stressful for me.

Ergo, a while back when I seemed to encounter lots of these sorts of situations, I decided I needed to make a mental list of things to say, so I would be prepared. In no particular order, here are some random facts/skills/quirks about my person:

• I am horrifically near-sighted (without correction, my range of vision is about eight inches.)
• I have no feeling on the inside of the big toe on my left foot.
• I dislike talking on the phone, even if I am talking to someone I am fond of.
• I can read almost anything in a Latin-based language-at least enough to get the general idea.
• I don't like wearing shoes, and really don't like wearing socks.
• I am driven to near-homicidal rages by thoroughly stupid things.
• I frequently feel pain, taste food and read in dreams.
• I can put on makeup with either hand and without a mirror. (Recently discovered skill, this one!)
• I give excellent gifts.
• I read about 750 words a minute, depending on the material, and I read every word, but five or six at a time.
• I can put an entire cupcake in my mouth at once. (Also various other foodstuffs: a muffin, a piece of cake, a slice of pie or pizza, an apple fritter, and probably some other things I have yet to attempt.)
• I have never had a cast, been hospitalized, had surgery or worn braces.
• I also have my tonsils, my appendix and all four of my wisdom teeth.
• I like almost all vegetables but not many fruits.
• I tear up easily but I don't cry much.
• I hate (as in positively refuse to eat) black licorice, Canadian bacon, pretty much all fruit-flavored candies and absolutely LOATHE peaches.

What Might Have Been

April 14th, 1865. President Abraham Lincoln, tired after a long day of meetings (and after a long four years of war and strife) told his wife that he would rather not go to the theater that night. His wife encouraged him to stay home, but he replied that it had been reported that they would attend the production and he would hate to disappoint people.

Much like Paul Harvey, I enjoy "the rest of the story", but what I tend to wonder about is "the rest of the story" that never was. What if President Lincoln had stayed home that night, as he wanted to? John Wilkes Booth would not have had his opportunity, and (given the simultaneous attacks planned for Vice-President Johnson and Secretary of State Seward, one of which was at least somewhat successful) could very possibly have been arrested. With her husband still alive, Mary Todd Lincoln would perhaps not have given in to her demons (depression and paranoia, not to mention some physical burdens) and could have lived a happier, healthier life. And of course, Reconstruction under President Lincoln would have been a very different experience, maybe leading to better relations for the Northern and Southern states, and avoiding (among other things) the formation of such societies as the Ku Klux Klan.

It is not usually possible to know, in the moment, when small decisions are going to have enormous consequences. It is not even usually possible to know when small decisions are going to have small consequences. And yet I spend a fair portion of my life thinking, "If only I hadn't said..." or "I wish I had done..." (fill in the blank; trust me, I especially have a lot of things I wish I hadn't said!) What in my life would be different if I had only made a different choice, I will never know.

But I am the person I am today because of the decisions I have made. And although there are things I would do over, given the option, I am happy with that person. So what I choose today is to ignore the shadowy allure of what might have been.

No time like the present

I have started a couple of different blogs in the past, and frankly I am no good at them at all. But I think I have identified the problem-that being I was convinced I had to have some sort of format, some kind of gimmick, and who can keep that up? The whole point of this thing, as I see it, is to get my thoughts out of my head and give them some space to roam around in (it's really quite crowded in here). So we'll see how it goes.

Today, just some things I am wondering about:

Why is it easier to sleep after you turn off the alarm than when you go to bed?
Why, no matter how much you insist they don't, do other people's opinions matter so much?
How in the world do some books get published? Didn't anybody, you know, read them beforehand? Other than the author?
Why do my hands currently smell like pencils?
Why has Hugh Laurie STILL not won an Emmy?
How many licks DOES it take to get to the Tootsie-Roll center of a Tootsie-Pop? (I don't feel like the commercial answers this question satisfactorily.)

If you have any answers, definitive or otherwise, feel free to share them. Or add any questions of your own!