Things to ponder

A few more questions I have before I go to bed (which I should have done hours ago) and while I wait for this stupid video to load (which is taking roughly eight hundred years, so I'll most likely be dead before it's done.)

• Why is it that the light of my cell phone screen illuminates everything EXCEPT what I really need it to illuminate, which is the part where I plug in the charger?
• How come infomercials always have the world's biggest moron performing whatever task they are trying to make easier for you with their latest Whiz-o-Gadget? (Seriously, you watch these people trying to make spaghetti or give themselves a manicure and think, "Well, yeah, obviously this is hard for them, because these people get confused by revolving doors.")
• Why does Facebook think its own name is a spelling error?
• How is it that a childproof cap can come off the bottle of its own accord, as long as the bottle is in my purse?
• Why is a device that only allows you to get ONE NAPKIN AT A TIME called an XPRESSNAP? WHAT IS EXPRESS ABOUT THAT?!

So, you know, just some everyday thoughts. I have no answers, except that I suppose we must allow for the possibility that "xpress" when spelled without the initial "e" is an ancient German word meaning "No soup for you! One year!" I mean, it's only fair.